Is Your Gay Son Succeeding In High School?
Thursday, May 13th, 2010It is true that an increasing number of gay teens are coming out than was the case a couple decades ago. A majority of gay males still tend to wait until they move from home to attend college or even later before becoming courageous enough to share that important part of their identity with friends and family. In fact, a large portion of gay men never come out to one of both of their parents, something that is frequently an issue of great regret after a parent’s passing. Parents never sign a contract promising to be enthusiastic about their child’s sexual orientation, no matter what that identity is. In fact, many of us would prefer to think of our children as totally non-sexual beings as long as possible. However, a parent does need to be supportive of a child in a number of important ways.
I write this piece from a particular perspective. I’ve been a college professor at top tier universities for more than thirty years, and many students, straight and not, have passed through my life. Most of my students, with a few notable exceptions, quickly learn that I am available to them for their academic problems, but they often expand those discussions to other things that impact their lives. I have lots of conversations with students who seem to be able to steer the discourse into areas that cause them some concern outside of the classroom.
Naturally some of these students are bisexual or gay or, sometimes, a bit unsure. Gay males particularly will often talk about their high school experiences. For some of them, the high school years were very pleasant; for others it was an agonizing period. My students, regardless of their sexual orientation, handled their high school years rather well. Kids who don’t function successfully in high school never find their ways onto my campus. I worry about those many gay young men with whom I have no opportunity to interact.
If you have a gay son in high school, whether or not he has told you he is gay, it is quite possible that he leaves your home each morning to face challenges that have nothing to do with that essay for history class or his science project. Almost half of all high school gay males are harassed at school. In most cases, those victims are too embarassed to talk to anyone about it; they often feel as if they should be able to handle their own problems.
Unfortunately, for many bisexual or gay students, home is often anything but a safe haven. For example, approximately one third of gay students are physically abused because of their sexual orientation by one or more members of their own families (parents or siblings or both). Some of the abused kids leave home voluntarily in order to protect themselves; others are forced to leave. Some of those victims are able to move in with friends who have supportive friends, while others become homeless. I trust that you will recognize your parental obligation to provide a safe, loving environment that will serve as a launching pad for his eventual success in life.
Even if you are unhappy about his sexual identity, there is an inherent duty in parenthood to establish an environment that is conducive to a continuous dialogue. You may need to look for indirect, subtle cues to determine whether he is experiencing those sorts of problems at school. That’s not easily accomplished; adolescents are naturally private and moody beings. The alternative, though is almost certain academic failure, and the results can become even worse than that. Gay youth are between three and four times more likely that straight youth to attempt suicide; and all boys are more likely to succeed at suicide attempts than are girls. I don’t want to seem alarmist, but it is essential that parents be armed with truth.
Pay attention to whether your son is socializing with friends. All teens genuinely need social interaction with their age cohorts, but most gay teen report that they feel isolated. Your son should be going out with friends or friends should be coming to your house to visit. If that is not the case, check your son’s in school behavior with a teacher. Teachers often are able to offer insights into your son from the vantage point of having experience with a wide variety of types of students.
If your son’s social life seems non-existent or limited, encourage him to join at least one extra-curricular activity of his choice. What the activity is does not matter. There is value in any organized group that allows him to be with his peers working toward a shared objective. A church youth group may serve this goal, but only if the church is highly accepting of diversity in sexual identity, because otherwise it could serve to further complicate his already difficult life.
We all need to protect our children, no matter our personal views toward non-straight sexual identities. We all must love and, to the extent that we are able, protect our children. In fact, that is your most important job. We must demonstrate our love through our actions as well as our words.




















